A thought that’s occurred to most of us, perhaps especially those of us who are survivors of any form of violence, is that there may be some benefit in writing a memoir. But even if it’s something we’ve considered multiple times, something we’ve bought a special notebook for or opened a Word document to do, there’s typically one question that memoir writers face: should I write my life’s story? And when it’s something we want to do, we’ll still sometimes wonder if that’s what we should do… or not. And while there isn’t really a universal answer for everyone who asks the question, there are several things we’d like to mention that can help you navigate these sometimes-murky waters.
When it comes to writing—of any genre—if you feel a pull to tell a story, it’s important that you at least start writing it. Questions of “should” can come later, such as once you’ve finished a draft and begin working through the self-editing process. Nonetheless, anxiety can continue to plague us as we consider telling our stories, so I want to take a moment to address five common reasons for this core question.
#5. I don’t want to get sued. How can I avoid that?
Depending on where you live, the burden of proof a plaintiff would need to bring in order to sue—and win—a case for libel or defamation of character will vary. Additionally, depending on which exact experiences you choose to include in your final draft, there may or may not even be a case for a lawsuit against you, though that doesn’t always help the anxiety that comes along with speaking up about experiences we’ve been conditioned to keep a secret. However, worrying about what may or may not happen in the future need not keep you from writing your first draft—and the methods of Josha’s authors may help you to overcome this hurdle during the drafting process.
When it comes to Josha’s memoirs, we have two different scenarios right now. Katherine Turner, the author of the memoirs resilient and moments of extraordinary courage, writes under a pseudonym and changes nearly everyone’s names in her nonfiction. By comparison, I (Olivia Castetter) write under my legal name for the Too Much Collection, but my surname is now different from the name I was born with and I change everyone’s names except mine and my partner’s. We each wrote our initial drafts using everyone’s real names just so we could get the story written without fretting over names (or forgetting or getting confused who’d been renamed what), and then changed them before anyone who wasn’t bound by Josha’s confidentiality policies read them. Katherine and I have both taken steps, though slightly different, to protect ourselves before our manuscripts were finalized.
If you decide to write a memoir, remember there is always a way to remain safe—emotionally and logistically—during the writing process. It’s also important to remember that drafting a memoir is very different from sharing that draft with others, which is also different from pursuing the publication process. If you feel that writing your life’s story would benefit you in some way, we encourage you to do so.
Later, if you decide to pursue publication, there are still ways to remain safe. For example, you can write under a pseudonym and change all the names and identifying characteristics of others you include in the manuscript; there are many other ways you can protect yourself from legal retaliation, too. Ultimately, when it comes to legal precautions, the best solution is to speak with a lawyer and/or your publisher once the manuscript is completed because exact parameters of libel and defamation of character vary by jurisdiction, and the final version of the manuscript very well may look different (i.e., in names mentioned and stories told) than what you’re imagining before/as you write, and a lawyer will be able to provide the most accurate consultation on the finalized version.
#4. I’ve always wanted to write a memoir, but every time I sit down to do it, my stomach starts to churn, I get sweaty, and my mind goes blank. Yet I feel like I have to write it. Is my body trying to tell me that I shouldn’t write a memoir, though?
Most likely, your body is telling you that you may not be ready to write a memoir—not that you shouldn’t. As Katherine Turner will write more about in next week’s blog post, writing about painful or traumatic experiences usually stirs up memories we’d generally rather not think about, and that can put our bodies (and our minds) through the wringer. And that can sometimes mean we need to pace ourselves or take a step back from writing it for a season, or even possibly seek some form of therapy to have a safe place to help us process the things writing naturally requires us to recall.
“It’s easy to feel like you just want to get it done,” Katherine writes, “but I assure you that your mental health is more important and will benefit from you taking a step back when you recognize signs of overwhelm, PTSD, or retraumatization. Ultimately, your book will also benefit, though this concern is secondary to maintaining mental balance.”
The bottom line is that, even when your body is reacting a certain way to the idea of you writing about things you’ve survived, that doesn’t mean your body is telling you to stop and never return to the idea. In fact, most likely, your body is simply trying to keep you safe and make sure you’re ready to write your story. And when you are ready, that’s when you should write it.
#3. There are people who’d be enraged if I wrote about what they put me through. If I write a memoir, how can I stay safe?
This sort of situation can have several variables, so it’s important to consult with your support system, if you have one, and possibly even seek the guidance of a survivor’s advocate from your local crisis resource center if your safety is ever in question. That said, if what you’re concerned about is that people will seek to harm you because of their anger if they find out you’re even drafting a memoir, there’s one question you need to carefully consider: how would they find out?
If the people who’d cause you harm have access to your writing (whether that’s on a computer or handwritten), perhaps it’s best to wait until they no longer have access. If they don’t have access but you still talk to them, ask yourself if you need to tell them what you’re doing in order for you to start drafting; if you feel like you do, why is that? Are you seeking their permission, or do you want to know what their reaction would be? How you answer these questions may also enlighten you on why you want to write your memoir, which is something we’ll address a bit later in this post.
If, however, the people who’d be most upset about you writing a memoir do not have access to your drafts, then carefully consider anyone you may decide to tell what you’re doing. If you think there’s a chance they’d pass the message along to people who you aren’t ready to have aware that you’re writing a memoir, perhaps it’s best to withhold the information from them until you’re ready to take that risk. After all, writing a memoir does oftentimes require you to lean on your support system if you have one, but it can be done without telling your entire support system what you’re doing.
#2. What if I don’t want people to find out it’s my memoir? Some of the stories from my life are pretty uncomfortable/embarrassing. Some might even jeopardize the life I have now.
No matter what kind of life a person has led, it’s guaranteed that everyone has at least one story from their life that’s uncomfortable or embarrassing or painful to imagine others knowing about. These sorts of stories are simply part of the universal human experience—they’re a natural byproduct of being alive. Of course, the spectrum for how these experiences can evoke various feelings in us may vary; nonetheless, try to remember that you are not alone in having some experiences that make you cringe to recall.
Furthermore, a memoir is not the same creation as an autobiography. As a result, when writing a memoir, that means not every single experience, story, or anecdote needs to be included in the final draft. If there are portions of your life that can be excluded without damaging the overall narrative and message of your memoir, it’s certainly okay to omit them. In other cases, if some uncomfortable memories need to be included for the sake of the overall arch of your manuscript, it can be helpful to take some time away from your manuscript after writing those portions, or perhaps to share those chapters with trusted individuals who can help reassure you of the ways in which you’re brave for telling those stories and the impact your decision to use your voice can have on your readers.
You can also consider the use of a pseudonym, as we mentioned in #5 above, as this will minimize how many people know it’s you—only those you tell will know. If all else fails, you can always write your story now and consider publication at a later date when doing so would no longer put parts of your life you hold dear into jeopardy.
#1. What if no one wants to read it?
In the publishing industry, there is often a lot of discussion about whether a memoir from an everyday individual (as opposed to a celebrity or influencer) is marketable—if it’s something people will want to read. Although many companies certainly have their reasons for their official stance and submissions protocol, at Josha, we believe in two primary components of what makes a memoir marketable: its relatability and its potential for impact. And it’s with these components in mind that I can say, as a writer, that no matter who you are, if you want to write your life’s story, you should. Whether or not someone believes a story they haven’t yet read will be marketable is irrelevant to you writing it.
In other words, no one will ever get the chance to read it unless you write it.
As a publisher, of course, it might seem a tad obvious that our answer is a resounding yes, we believe you should write your life’s story. But we don’t believe that because we view anyone’s life story—no matter its chapters—as a cash grab. We believe that everyone’s life is pricelessly valuable, and personally speaking, we want the world to remember you and your voice. Because there is no other voice like yours, if you want to write your life’s story, you absolutely should. Our stories are how we remember our lives as well as how we’ll be remembered after we’re gone, and each of us has the power to inspire, encourage, and empower someone else because of the life we’ve lived. So if you want to write your life’s story, go for it. And know, whether or not you decide to publish it, that you’ve done something extraordinary.
Josha Publishing, LLC is a woman-founded, woman-owned, and woman-run company that is passionate about books, stories, and the power of words to change lives. Learn more about us here and remember to sign up for our newsletter to find out about new content, new books, and submissions update.
Should I write my life’s story?
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